<![CDATA[My new report, This Just In, is just in with this:
…Robertson, in a startling revelation, claimed his 700 Hundred Club has come into possession of a previously unknown gospel that justifies his position as in keeping with the teaching of Christ. The Gospel of Herschel, alledgedly written by a camp follower of the Apostles, records several sermons of Jesus that apparently occurred at approximately the same time as the Sermon on the Mount, in which Jesus said:
“You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”
According to the Gospel of Herschel, the authenticity of which Robertson personally vouched, Jesus only a few days later delivered the “Harangue in the valley,” in which he complained about the service he received at a Galilean bakery and is said to have acknowledged both his own humanity and the difficulty of following a Godly path in life when he said: “You have heard that I was denied my discount at Bernard’s Bakery last Monday. I say to you now that those who would cheat you or withhold vital resources should be punished not by my father, but by those of us in this world with the courage to beat a man or, if need be, assassinate him. I’m not saying Bernard should be taken out, but I wouldn’t feel bad if someone did it. My father wouldn’t hesitate to drop a little rain on Bernard’s grave.”
Robertson could not explain the circumstances of the discovery of the Gospel of Herschel, nor the fact it was written with crayon in a spiral binder that was supposedly found in a jar with some IOUs and a handful of silver. But, the devout evangelist claimed, “it sure does make you think, doesn’t it? If Jesus could lose his cool, what are we mortals to do when some strongman threatens our Southern borders?”
Robertson on Thursday said he would return to his regular programming practice of praying for God to open vacancies on the Supreme Court, a course of action Robertson described as “a more peaceful approach to social change,” as justices tend to die in their sleep rather than in a hail of gunfire.
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